


Happy In My Heartache.

by MoonicaHdz



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: AU Journey's End, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama & Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-02-16 14:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2273151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonicaHdz/pseuds/MoonicaHdz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being left behind was hard,it was always hard. It felt as if your heart was being stabbed with knives. It had happened before, so it was not a new feeling. But there wasn't really a choice to make. That was what hurt the most. Her happiness was always what mattered and that was something that he couldn't give her. He couldn't share her forever anymore. *Post an AU Journey's end *</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t think that it’s a really good idea to start a new fanfic when I already have three WIP’s buuuuut, I had this little plot bunny thing-y buncing up and down in my mind so, there you go! Also, this happens post an alternative end in Journey’s End which will be revealed later in the fic.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks to the lovely thebadwolfthatwaited in tumblr for the beta :)

It was hard.

Being left behind, it was like a punch right in the stomach. It felt as if your heart was being stabbed with knives. _A lot of them_. It had happened before, so it was somewhat not a new feeling.

But there wasn't really a choice to make. That was what hurt the most. Her happiness was always what mattered. And that was something that he couldn't give her.

Dårlig Ulv Stranden. Bad Wolf Bay was again the scenario for a bitter goodbye.

All kinds of familiar emotions were filling the air when the Tardis dematerialized; happiness, love, relief, sadness, anger, regret, bitterness.

"Are you sure about this?"

"No, but that's what love is don't you think? Letting go."

The memories of that day became blurry a few hours after it happened.

"Your brain is trying to erase them. It just hurt too much to think about it so it's easier to forget that it happen than accept it." Jackie said with the knowledge of someone who's been through something similar.

"That's what happened to you when you lost him?"

"Yeah…" She answered with a sad smile, looking at the sleeping figure of Pete Tyler that lay on the sofa next to their table. "I've been with him for four years and I love him with all my heart, but still hurts a little bit when I think about what happen that day, not nearly as much as it did twenty years ago, mind you, but with the years you became harder and harder and even though we're not even in the same universe, I know he still watches over me from up there and I know he's happy for me, because that's the thing about true love; it's not your happiness what matters, it's theirs. " She said looking through the window at the clouds outside the zeppelin that would take all of them back to London.

"When did you become this wise?" He said with a little smile and teary eyes.

Jackie just chuckled and rolled her eyes what caused the fall of tear. "I'd always been wise. You just never stopped to realize it. So what are you gonna do now?"

"I don't know, build a life again I suppose, I know I can't find a way back to the other universe and I don't even have a reason to return, so I'll have to settle down here. God what I'm going to do? I don't have _anything_ left."

"Oh don't be daft you're not on your own. You have us. You have me. Maybe we can't give you the stars, maybe we can't give you the universe, but you can stay with us at the mansion for as long as you want, yeah? You don't have to worry for clothes or food or anything like that. We can help you start all over again and, I know it's silly and it's not much, but I'm here if you need someone to just be...there, to hear you and to hold you. People say I have a maternal instinct." She said with a small laugh.

He just looked at her and felt the tears starting a fight to fall and in the blink of an eye, Jackie stood up, crossed the little table that separated them and hugged him, resting her chin on top of his hair and rubbing comforting circles on his back.

"Just let go. I'm right here. You're not alone." She said with a soothing voice.

She felt as his body became stiff and started to feel how little cold and wet spots formed in her shirt. Her own tears began to fall as she spoke, her voice quivering and thick with emotion

" _I miss her too…_ "

And that was what broke them. They cried and cried, at some point falling at the floor where the two of them remained on a thigh embrace.

With all the tears out of his body, he felt just a tiny bit better, just enough to actually sit down and eat a small plate of chicken soup and even managed a little smile at a comment of the youngest of the Tyler's, Tony, who now saw him as his new friend. His innocence and solely presence gave him a tiny string of hope.

There were still things worth fight for in his life.

When he was sleeping in the bed that would be his for at least a couple of weeks later that night, he didn't have nightmares, of course that her absence remained in his mind and it tore his one and lonely heart apart, but that didn't occupy all of his now human unconsciousness.

Touching the little piece of chunk of what had been his ship, his best friend and his home for centuries, he dreamed about a 3 year-old brunette girl running to him with a dirty uniform and a backpack on her back, she had a big grin on her face and jumped directly into his arms, he hugged her tightly and when the kid separated just a bit to look at his face, he saw her eyes; whiskey-coloured pupils that he would recognise everywhere.

Eyes that belonged to the person who had gone inside the Tardis with his Time-Lord self in that bloody Norwegian bay after he had 'made' the decision of staying behind with Jackie in 'Pete's world'. He saw in that little girl the eyes of the woman he loved and lost but whom now was traveling the stars with the man she loved.

The eyes of Rose Tyler.


	2. The First Day of a New New Life

The Doctor’s eyes snapped open. That dream…it had felt so realistic.

He felt disoriented when he saw his surroundings. When the heck had he asked the Tardis to re-paint his room? He liked the blue colour of his walls! Why had she painted them green?

Bouncing a little bit in his bed he noticed the squeak of it.

 _“That’s weird…my bed wasn’t all squeaky the last time I slept. And why is it so quiet?”_  He thought.

And that’s when the reality hit him. Right in the head like if someone had dropped a bucket full of cold water. He didn’t believe in a God. He didn’t believe in a Devil. He had seen the start of the universe just as he had seen the end.  _“Weeeeell, end-ish.”_   But, oh how he was praying for all to be part of a joke. The tricky thing was that he knew that that wasn’t a joke nor was a dream; that this time there wasn’t a fob watch holding his previous life.

With a trembling hand he touched the left side of his pyjama-clad chest.

_*bump-bump*_

He then moved it to his right side with closed eyes and tears pecking into the corners of his eyes.

_Nothing._

That feeling opened a door that for centuries had been closed in his mind. The door of the dark room that held the presence of all the people that he had lost; the one that had frames with images of all the lives that he had destroyed.

Ohhh, but the best was right in the middle; framed in gold, was the paint of the memory that had made him feel more dead than alive. It was like a picture taken from his point of view;  he could see the outside of The Tadis with one of her door’s opened and the figures of a sad Donna Noble and his Time-Lord self in the background. A conversation replayed in his ears.

_“Why are you doing this?” She said._

_“Because I promised that I would always bring you home safe. And I can’t protect you. Not with a single life. Also, your home is with him and the old girl, not here stuck in a parallel version of where you used to be. You deserve to be happy and to be loved. You promised him -me- forever, remember? You don’t want to break that promise now, do you? Go with him; make him end the phrase that he couldn’t after Canary Wharf and take care of yourself, Shiver.” He said as he stepped back joining Jackie._

_A weeping Rose only nodded as she turned around and started to walk back to where The Tardis, The Doctor and Donna were._

_“Wait!” The meta-crisis Doctor screamed just as she was halfway there._

_She turned around surprised to hear his voice again._

_“One last favour!”_

_“Yeah?” She said in a barely audible voice._

_“Have a good life. Do that for me, Rose. Have a fantastic life.”_

_Rose covered her mouth with both of her hands trying to muffle her sobs and through the fresh tears that were streaming down her face she nodded, turning around and running the short distance that separated her from The Tardis._

_The doors closed and the characteristic ‘wroop’ sound that came after her dematerialisation became an echo in the emptiness of his heart._

He was suddenly pulled back to reality by a soft knock on his bedroom door.

“It’s open.”

The wooden door cracked open a bit and a blonde head popped through. His eyes failed him for a millisecond; his stupid mind making him believe that his prayer  had been answered . A voice spoke and his heart fell to his stomach.

“Oh, did I wake you?” Jackie said as she entered his room closing the door behind her.

“No…I had just woken up a few minutes before you knocked.” He said looking down at the white duvet that was still covering the bottom half of his body all of sudden very intrigued by the patterns on it.

“Hey, what’s wrong? She said as she sat on the edge of the bed right in front of him.

“Nah, nothing to worry about, just this silly human body that I haven’t gotten used to yet.”

“What happened? Do you feel something wrong?”

He sighed, raising his head to look at her, a sad and resigned look in his eyes.

“No, I’m fine, no…wait…I do feel something” He said looking at some invisible point above Jackie’s right shoulder.

“What? What is it? Do I need to call Pete? He can take you to Torchwood so they can examine you. But you need to tell me what you feel! Fever? Nausea? Headache? Sinusitis? Oh god, don’t tell me that it’s your heart! Does your left arm feel numb? OH! What if it’s something wrong with your brain?! Hang on  dear I’ll go and call Pete, just don’t move okay?!” She said with a panicked voice as she quickly got up and started running to the door.

“Jackie! Wait! Calm down okay? I was just trying to be dramatic. I’m fine; I was just going to say that I felt my stomach empty. Nothing to worry about! ” The meta-crisis said with a little smile getting up from his bed.

“Ohh you son of-”

“Hey hey hey! No need to get aggressive! Just a little joke.”

“JUST A LITTLE JOKE?! Well your ‘joke’ scared the life out of me! I was concerned about you! But noo, the sir was only ‘joking’. Ugh, God give me patience so I don’t hit him right in his stupid face.”  Jackie said as exited his room, closing the door with a really loud ‘thud’. “Ah! By the way, after you take a shower, because good-lord you really need one, come downstairs so you can eat some breakfast.”

After grabbing the blue suit and the red Converses’ that were in the chair of his little wooden desk he approached the door carefully, slowly opening it. Looking both directions wanting to make sure that Jackie was no longer there, he got out of the room.

Standing in front of the bathroom he sighed and with a two finger salute followed by a quiet “Yes ma’am” he opened the door.


	3. The Truth of Things

The meta crisis Doctor was whistling some pointless tune while he was walking down the stairs after his needed shower; if anyone saw him, they would think that there was nothing wrong, he seemed like a relaxed and an even happier man. Of course they would think that, they didn’t know him…in fact no one did.

“No one except her.” That dark side of his mind said in a low and quiet whisper.

The sound of two ushered voices caught his attention as he was almost reaching the door of the kitchen.

“And what the hell do you say we do? Not tell him? It’s not fair and you bloody know it.”

“We can’t tell him. Maybe it’s not fair but it’s not right either Jacks. You know how bad he feels right now; do you really want to do that to the Doctor and just make him feel even worse?”

“Do what to me?” The Doctor said as he opened the door to the surprise of Pete and Jackie.

“Oh.” She said and looked at Pete who just shook his head.

“Come on; tell me, I won’t get mad, I promise.”

“Well…Pete wants you to work for Torchwood, Rose…she used to have a team there, and well, you could take care of them, if you want.”

Common people wouldn’t  have noticed, mostly because most people weren’t half time-lord and didn’t have advanced senses, but he did and he noticed. It was minimal, but the flash of confusion that went through Pete’s face when Jackie said the thing about Torchwood was proof enough that that wasn’t what they were discussing before his arrival.

“Yeah, I know that you don’t trust nor like Torchwood, but here’s different. I supervise them and prevent anything catastrophic or illegal to happen, so you don’t have anything to worry. Plus the guys need a leader, and no one has the knowledge that you have.” Pete said placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Well I appreciate your offer but I’m not sure how if they are going to appreciate the sudden change…did you tell them? About her not coming back?” He said swallowing the emotions that were closing his throat.

“No, I hadn’t had the time to do it…sweetheart,” Pete said turning to Jackie “would you mind going to the market for some biscuits? Tony ate all of them yesterday.”

“O-okay, I’ll be right back.” She said a little confused about the sudden change in the conversation.

“Thanks.” They waited in silence ‘till the front door closed.

“Doctor, I need to ask you something, but you have to promise me that you’ll tell me the truth.”

“Course, ask away!” He told him with fake cheerfulness.

“How are you feeling? Jacks told me that you didn’t look good earlier today.”

“Ohh I already told her, I was just joking! I’m fi-”

“I don’t mean physically,” Pete interrupted him “I mean emotionally…are you alright?”

“I’m always all right.” He answered him in just barely a whisper.

“No, I know you’re not. Look Doctor, I know how it’s like to lose someone you love; I know how it’s like wanting to run and run until everything fades away and I bloody know how horrible it is to face the world with a smile when all you just want to is the pain to go away. You’re allowed to feel like that, but you also need to understand that Rose is happy wherever and whenever she is; thanks to you she feels whole again, now it’s time for you to face life;give yourself the opportunity to be happy, or at least to try. That’s the truth of things.”

Silence fell as soon as Pete finished talking. Both were leaning against the kitchen counter. He was looking at the beige wall in front of them while The Doctor’s eyes were focused on the floor; a tornado of emotions destroying the little control he had.

“I’d never thought I would hate the truth so fucking much .” He said breaking the silence and lifting his head with tears streaming down his face.

“I know son, I know” Pete said turning towards him and putting his arms around the broken man.

After a couple of minutes the Doctor broke the embrace; rubbing his red eyes with the sleeve of his blue suit he sat down in one of the wooden chairs resting his elbows on the table with his  hands supporting his head. Pete did the same sitting in the chair in front of him.

“God, I need to get a work and a house and a car and clothes…I’m screwed.” He told him letting his head fall to the table, landing with a loud ‘thud’.

“Well, in fact that was one of the things I wanted to discuss with you, before you get all of that things, you need to fill quite a lot of papers.”

“Mph mmn ph mph mph mh mmmmmphhhhh”

“Ehhh…What?”

“I said,” The Doctor spoke lifting his head, “ ’Can you do that for me pleaseeeeee?’ ”  

“Well yeah, but there are some things, like your new name, what career do you want, your age, your birthday and I-”

“Name:  John Noble, Profession:  A Doctor or a Scientist, Age:  32. What’s the date?”

“Amm, December  11th 2014. Why?”

“Thank you. Birthday : December 11th 1980. Voila! What else do you need?” Said a grinning Doctor.

“Am…erm… nothing I guess. Well Doctor-”

“Don’t. Call me John, please. You’re right, I need to move on. I’m no longer ‘The Doctor’. A new life, a new man, a new name.” John said looking at Pete.

“I agree, so, John, what do you think about my early proposition; how does working for Torchwood sound?”

“Weeeeell, I’m not sure, I’ll have to meet the crew first, see if I like them and if they like me; for a work like that it’s very important getting along with your companions but it does sound really tempt-”

“PETE! HELP ME!” Came Jackie Tyler’s scream from outside of the mansion.


End file.
